Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Breaking down and no answer

I have not blogged in over month, but I wanted to just talk about an adventure and what has been going on inside at the moment.

Lately, I've been battling apathy with sharing my faith, still getting out, but knowing that the Holy Spirit is nudging me to speak out. Do you know the feeling? A lack of fulfillment, a feeling of needing to do something, or an uncomfortable feeling in the heart! It's kind of hard to describe, but I believe that God's Spirit has been nudging ever since I have come back to school to continue to spread His wonderful gospel! I know that there will be opposition rejection, rudeness and possibly persecution, but disobeying God and omitting what He has said is far worse that any of the former things that I have just named!
So what slows me down?
I believe it is the fear of man, and the fear of how others will respond. I have been thinking about it how to combat these things, and I think I have found out! We must deny ourselves, we must lose ourselves in Christ and carry our crosses! Oh how painful it is though! It hurts!!! My flesh cries out and says "What are you doing?!! "Stop that!", all the while the Spirit spurs me on reminding me that the old Samuel has been nailed to the cross, and reminding me of His precious promises which far outweigh what this world has to offer. I must continue the fight even when it hurts or is not convenient. But here is what I see: To disobey God, pain, to carry the cross, pain, but with it comes a great joy and refinement and life in our walks with the Lord Jesus Christ! We can identify in His sufferings.
I've resisted, and been reminded over and over only to obey when I am about to get the shakes or cry! I get convicted and break down my cage of omission and fear in order to run into battle with the Lord where there again is discomfort.............. but it's different, it's soothing, it brings a smile, it brings me running to the Lord, like a two year old running to mommy and daddy after hurting himself. And I remember that I'm just getting a taste of what other believers have been going through for almost two thousand years.

Today I went out to get some food and I saw a guy sitting on a bench with his cell phone. I walked up to him and asked him if I could ask him a question. He declined and said that he was having a financial crisis. As I was walking away I thought to myself "Doh!!! I should have asked If I could pray for him!" So I went inside of Chipotle (Mexican restaurant) seeing the opportunity to talk with someone who was in line (It was a long line). I walked inside, stood in line and about 5 minutes later I struck up a conversation with a young man about my age. I made some small talk with him, asked him his name, and then I told him that I had a question for him. "If you died tonight are you 100% assured that you would go to heaven?" (Sometimes I freak out about asking this question, but this time I was calm believing that I was doing what God had asked me). His face developed a suspicious looking smirk and he asked me, "Are you just trying to get me to go to your church?" I replied with a smile, "No, I'm interested in what people believe about the afterlife" Then he said, "Well if I knew you better I would talk to you, but I don't know you so I'm not comfortable with to you about it." I then asked him if he went to a church, then he said yes. I left the spiritual topic alone after the rejection, but something struck me on the inside. If he is a Christian Jesus should roll right off of his lips, there should be some interest in that area. But he is either a Christian with no such conviction, or he wasn't a Christian, and I say that the former would show a discouraging state of the church. But God however gave me joy nonetheless and I headed back to my room praying for both young men and my roommate whom I am going to speak with about Christ."