Saturday, March 04, 2006

Trial, Renewal, and Personal Reflection.

The time is 5:23 pm and this is the first blog entry of this month. I have not posted here in a while, but now I feel compelled to post.

For the past few weeks, I believe that this has been a period of trials, and my heart for God has been tested. The trials have come in the form of busyness, and I have also been trying to learn more about myself and who I am in Christ. None of this may make sense because this is coming straight from my brain and my heart.
Lately, so many things have come up such as, tests, ministry, school work, support raising, and conference preparation. I have been swamped with obligations, and it feels as though my heart for God has been tested. It is so easy to forget what God has put on your heart or what He wants you to do when daily chores come up. And for the past few weeks, the flame in my heart for God and the gospel has been put under strain it seems. But yesterday, it felt as though my heart was renewed for the work he has set out before me. Yesterday morning during quiet time, I prayed to God and asked him to damn my fears, my complacency, my pride, my uncaring attitude, my reputation, and to give me the boldness to live for Him. I then got dressed and left the dorm with the mind set of serving God, mainly through witnessing to anyone that I could because that's what God has put on my heart!!!!!!!!! My heart was filled with compassion and I could not help but feel a overwhelming love for those around me! I got the opportunity to share the gospel with someone from my economics class, and later that day I tried to share with a guy on the bus, but he rejected me. Afterwards, joy just flooded me as I continued to look around on the bus for someone that I could talk to. I felt totally renewed!
I've also been doing alot of reflecting and asking myself... who am I????? I've been looking at who I am in Christ, examining my own personality closely, and even comparing it to what it was in high school. Lately, I have been exposed to more leadership responsibilities and that has caused me to look at my personality and who I am in Christ with respect to leadership.... hehe does that make sense? I have concluded that I'm definitely not gifted or skilled as a leader ehhhh..... I always make mistakes! But I believe that God is trying to grow me as one and is using mistakes to teach me how to be a leader, and this process is not easy because it is exposing personal pride, and I am very critical of myself! And I usually come down alittle hard on myself when I know that I could have done something better (Bad sentence structure I know..). So, with regards to examining my personality, I have found that I'm on the introverted side and usually in large groups I'm not very vocal . I'm always reminded of this in large group settings such as home group or hang out times. I have always been like this since I can remember, but what's cool is that I feel like God wants to use me to say alot to others and encourage them. I also feel this supernatural burden to spread the gospel verbally, although, I'm not a trained, eloquent, or constant speaker. I want to shout from the roof tops!

I have more to say, but until next time..

By the way, the reason that I write this blog is because I have alot of thoughts that I usually don't share very much, so I type what's inside of me.