It's eating me!

I just woke up this morning and the pervading thought of my heart was this.......... speaking to the souls of people about Jesus Christ! It is eating at me day after day and it is distracting me (Is this really a distraction? This seems like almost an insult!). It is burdening me more than any ministry than I am involved in at the moment yet I cannot seem to continuously follow through it. Oh sure, I go out twice a week for evangelistic outreach and have experienced mild results, but there is more and I feel as though the Lord is wanting to push me further! My motivation is not merely results, but it is all-out obedience to the heavenly burden given by Christ! How do I know that this is from heaven?! Am I 100% sure? I walk by faith and the most convincing evidence are my journal entries of the past three years! I talk about evangelism and gospel preaching frequently. Through seeking the Lord and reading His word this is still something that permeates me! I am scared to death though, and I can come up with many excuses as to why I should not reach the world around me with the gospel. I do not like to say this but I believe it to be the truth: I am an evangelist at heart. If you know me and are reading this then this probably comes to no surprise to you, but I blush when I admit this for some reason...

Because of these things, I live in almost constant discomfort everyday. I am disobedient to the burden which I believe is from the Lord, but I have found a way to suppress it with other thoughts about school, life, and personal comforts. This has kept me from being driven crazy. This sounds bad and it is but I value my humanity, earthliness, reputation, and comfort. What a wretched man I am! I cannot escape from it even with all of the power that I can muster! I am tied to the wharf of self will as I strenuously paddle my small boat. I paddle and paddle and paddle tiring myself out only to see that I have not gone anywhere because I am tied to the wharf! Oh Lord help me cut it, the seas may be dangerous but the wharf of inactivity is not where you want me to be! There is a dying world out there going to hell and all I can say is I'm scared and uncomfortable! I cannot love the lost properly or say that I do without their eternal destiny at the forefront of my mind. If I am too afraid to speak about the Savior Jesus Christ then I will not speak too much at all. I will withdraw myself and push down the urge, showing no love whatsoever! I must speak, I must speak, I must speak!

Jeremiah 20:8-9- 8:

For whenever I speak, I cry out,
I shout, "Violence and destruction!"
For the word of the LORD has become for me
a reproach and derision all day long.
If I say, "I will not mention him,
or speak any more in his name,"
there is in my heart as it were a burning fire
shut up in my bones,
and I am weary with holding it in,
and I cannot.

Until next time, God bless you!